That list

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TW/CN : talk of suicide

ON 30th August 2014, I started a ‘note’ on Facebook.  On it were links, prove that this world was horrible.  The list started at #543 and counted downwards.  I don’t know why I chose 543, and I never had a plan for what would happen after it counted down to 1.  I no longer update the list, but the intention of that list was a rolling suicide note.  If I ever did do the deed and killed myself, that list was the reasons why.  It was more complicated than that of course, and my mental health was shit at the time due to childhood psychological trauma.. but because ‘notes’ on facebook don’t keep very well and are hard to search and archive, I am now moving this here.

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Reasons I think this world is a lost cause.  A horrible place full of suffering.  Reasons I do not ever want to have my own children.  To bring innocent new lives into this world will be to increase the amount of suffering already here.

I volunteer.  I give time up to try to make this world a slightly better place.  I aim to foster older children someday, or at least spend a significant amount of my time supporting them.  The ones who have been raped, abused, exploited.  The ones from broken homes, with nowhere to go.  I want to show young people who have never been loved, who grew up believing no one will ever love them, that I do.  I love them. That they are worthy.

Edit: And in the Guardian on 31/8/2014… Maybe THIS is the reason I feel I need a list of reasons : http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/aug/31/jennifer-aniston-childess-women-judged-unfairly

Reasons I hate this world and most of the humans in it.  Reasons I might some day use to justify my suicide.

 

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