Things not to say when trying to pick a shaved head, purple haired, east-asian hot chick up via OkCupid…

“Yea… about those lgbt people… I think they should have the same rights as everyone else, I don’t understand why people got to treat them differently ya’know?”
Seriously dude? This statement is ambiguous as fuck, and makes a pretty bad impression, you know what i mean? It sounds like “yea i think you should have equal rights… BUT why do you have to be so loud when you fight for your rights.. i mean, why do you have to hold hands in a public space where STRAIGHT COUPLES HOLD HANDS ALL THE TIME?!?!?!” No matter how much you try to clarify that your heart is in the right place, that line you just used really sucked, don’t use it again, you ain’t gonna pick up any hot bisexual purple-haired chicks that way, trust me, I know.
Oh, and no matter what you are saying… refering to us as “those lgbt people” automatically puts you in the bad books. Exclusionary language is a turn off
“I kiss and cuddle men all the time”
Yes, but are you publicly out, loud & proud, or are you just saying that to try to get in my good books? If you are looking to pick up someone who is very publicly out, loud & proud… you hiding in the closet ain’t gonna be attractive, mate. Trying to lie don’t work either. I’d rather go out with an honest straight dude than a dishonest one who claims to be bi just to score points.
“The universe is a cruel bla bla bla bla bla. Will you spend unimportant quality time with nonsensing around?”
From my profile, it is very obvious I care about people and animals, and the world… ya think that line gonna do anything for me… you wrong!
“I’m not opposed to adopting or fostering but I do want my own kids in the future.”
Do you have the reading comprehension of a 5 year old?
“yes I have an empty profile, ask what you want”
I don’t ask. OkCupid has the tools for you to tell me if we match. If you choose not to use them, then you aren’t that interested in me. Start by answering 30 questions from the ethics category. I am interested on opinions on sex work, lgbt rights, intersectional feminism, toxic masculinity, abortion, human rights, jealousy, cats, dogs, cuddles, capitalism and relationship anarchy. The other thing you can do is to pick issues from my profile you find interesting, and share your views on them. I’ve listed a lot of likes and dislikes, and if you can’t find anything to talk about, then we likely don’t have anything in common.
“I was browsing through your pics and i misread the ebola one as “Ebola can be eaten” and I was shocked!”
Ebola CAN be eaten… Technically, anything you can fit down your oesophagus can be ‘eaten’. Whether it’s digestible, or will kill you… is another question…

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It isn’t enough

Dear mother,

On Friday I bought tickets to visit Malaysia.  I bought the tickets to see father not to see you.  I felt dread and anxiety overwhelming me within 2 hours of buying those tickets.  It got bad enough that I almost cancelled a first date I had planned.  I didn’t in the end, and I am glad because if the head gremlins had won, they would have taken the whole weekend.

I beat them yesterday, but I can’t deny that they are there, and they will be building momentum up to 26th of August.  Doubtless I should contact my therapist before that, and make sure to have appointments booked for afterwards as well.  But that is to look me and my mental health.  And I know how to do that.

What I don’t know how to do is how to handle our relationship.  The message you sent to me after the last blog?  I quote, “Wow! Microscopes so expensive? No, you are not a wicked person.  In fact on the contrary you are a kind and compassionate person.  You care for the less fortunate.  You cook food and take it to those who had no food.  That impressed me ver much.  Talking about food I am hungry already.  Love you.  Mum here.”

I have been working on £350,000 microscopes since 2010.  Since my very first job as a microscopist in fact.  8 years… and still a microscopist… did you expect me to be working on less expensive ones?  The only way I can rationalise your comment is that you never absorbed or remembered ANY details of my job at all.  Which I can only extrapolate to mean, you don’t know or remember ANY details of my LIFE at all.

I just watch one of my favourite ever TV series.  It’s called Queer Eye.  In this current episode, they filmed the Fab Five giving a church community centre a makeover, and how this church, in rural southern united states, welcomed the gays into their lives with an open heart, and how their open arms healed some of the wounds which were in some of the fab 5 from being ostracised from his church.

People cry when they watched this.  I too have cried from other episodes.  But I simply couldn’t connect with this episode, because the church I know, the church you go to, takes genesis and leveticus so literally you exorcised me after forcing me to answer whether I liked women.

I simply cannot connect to you at the moment.  Your two line message told me you didn’t know me and are just regurgitating nice things at me because you are afraid of me.  I don’t want nice words at me.  I want the truth.  I want your commentary on trump.  I want to know your church’s view on gay people.  I want a level of adult communication that actually mean something and isn’t said to placate.

Can your church do what this church in the show did?  IS your church a safe place for gay people?  Can you reach out to the gay community in the Klang Valley and provide them with a place to meet and love?  Because I know people in the community, and I know so many people who have been thrown out by their families for being lgbt.  Can you help them?  Or are they too damned for your help?  If they are too damned for your help, then being one of them, I too am damned.

Empty words aren’t enough.  Empty words don’t erase everything you have said in the past.  A friend once told me – forgiveness is letting go of hurt, anger, sadness and pain to live a a better, happier life.  Forgiveness isn’t letting the abuser back into their life to continue the abuse.

That is what I have done, and if I could make a clean cut I would.  But you live with my father, and I am going to visit him, so I will inevitably have contact with you.

I have layers upon layers of scars caused by your words and actions.  I can’t even remember what it was you said to me in Wigan the last time we saw each other in person.  I only remember storming out of the house and crying on the green for close to two hours.

I don’t know how to stop your words from hurting me.  It doesn’t matter how many protective layers I build, it still happens.

I can’t talk to you.  It hurts.

There are possibilities for communication though.  Perhaps if you really have changed and your church is inclusive, and you invite me to it, and introduce me to the lgbt community within your church.  Perhaps if you seek out counselling, and family therapy, I can imagine having moderated communication (NOT a church counsellor).  Perhaps if you really take into account all the hurt you have caused over the years, and write me a heartfelt letter.

Or perhaps this is all a dream and none of this can or will ever happen.  The dream of Sunshine, remember her?  Young, innocent, happy.  Before she turned into the non-verbal child who never speaks, only cries and clings to whatever provides safety and security.

I know you’ve done your best as a mother.  I appreciate that circumstances back then weren’t great.  I know you are still doing your best as a mother.  I appreciate that. but I cannot connect with a mother at the moment.  I can maybe connect as a friend, but I am choosy about my friends and I certainly have no other american-style-fundamentalist-evangelical-christian-homophobic friends.

It isn’t enough.

As long as you are homophobic, or even if you claim not to be, but you still attend a church which is homophobic… I’m afraid I can only take the words you say about me being a good person as a peace offering, and not a true representation of your views at all.

It isn’t enough.

Remaining homophobic isn’t enough.

 

 

2 years & 7 months

It has been 2 years and 7 months since I wrote this.

I forgive her. But :-

I haven’t spoken to my mother, not one word, for 2 years and 7 months.  To borrow snippets of conversations I’ve had, in this time I have learnt this… Forgiveness is “I will not hold on to this hate, anger and sadness because holding on is harmful to me.  I let it go, I release it, so I may live in peace with myself.”  Forgiveness isn’t “let the abuser into my life to hurt and harm me further”.

I never got a respond or a reply to the poem.  That was the last communique I sent, and as far as I’m concerned, since I sent the last message, the ball is in her court.  If she wants to talk to me, the channels of communication are open.  And she knows it is open because today she sent me a forwarded pseudoscience filled alternative therapies forwarded message.

I do not consider that a communique.  Can anything be more impersonal than a pseudoscience filled alternative therapies forwarded email? At least it wasn’t one offering me cheap viagra or russian brides I suppose.

Do I want to communicate with her?  Yes of course I do.  She is my mother and I am sure she is suffering from this lack of contact.  I know I do.  Not hugely, but there is a hole in my life the size and shape of her.  I’ve forgiven her, and I love her and I would like to show her that love.  But there is no way to show her that love without opening the way for her to hurt me again.

Am I a wicked person?  I think I am for this one reason.  I am wicked because I refuse to let my mother forget that she thinks I am wicked, that I am possessed by the devil, that I occupy a space in her esteem lower than Trump.

Trump is trash, and if she thinks her daughter is lower than trash, I don’t care for anything she has to say because she obviously doesn’t care for me.

As I said in my poem :

“Even if you think I am Satan’s possession
Condemning my deeds won’t bring me to you
My love my good my unending compassion
Is reserved for those who do love me too”

 

Yes this hurts, but no-contact hurts less, and is less harmful to both me and her, than further communication, than further false assurances that she loves me, that she appreciates me, only for the happiness that comes from knowing my mother is proud of me, only for that happiness to be again mashed to smithereens the next time I say “that person is the next Hitler and I wish they were dead”.  Because I am who I am.  I am an out, loud, proud, bisexual, polyamorous, sex worker & trans inclusive intersectional feminist, advocate, activist & volunteer.  Imaging scientist & ebola medal recipient.  I drink, I fuck, I love and enjoy life to the fullest – and these are all traits and influences of satan.  I am defiantly left wing, loudly sex-positive, and unapologetically compassionate & empathic to all marginalised groups.  And being me, being ME, being totally unapologetically me, makes me a person who in my mother’s world view deserves death before the likes of Trump.

I cannot have contact with my mother for as long as she has that view.  I cannot have contact with a person who will proclaim me the spawn of satan at the same time as proclaiming Trump the next messiah.

Dear Boring Men of OkCupid

One unsolicited paragraph of advice : try not to rely on safe conversations. Cooking and cats are safe conversations. If I’m undecided on whether to meet you, sticking to cooking and cats isn’t going to get me any more interested in you. Unless instead of ‘cooking’, it’s “let me take you out to this £100/meal michelin starred place” – forget mentioning cooking. “I’m a curry chef” doesn’t sell you very much. Mate… I can cook curries too. I have been feeding myself and writing a food blog pretty well for quite a number of years. I don’t give a toss whether you can cook well or not. I do not need a chef in my life. Or another cat lover who wants to know where I got my cat from and how old is he. I have plenty.

Want to know what I need in my life?

Good, reliable, cuddleable friends. Intersectional-aware. A spoon-giver. People whom, when I hang out with, I don’t have to explain my ptsd and anxiety to. People who I don’t have to explain white privilege to. People who are okay with sex work, with non monogamy, with relationship anarchy, with non-sexual intimacy, with gender non-conformity, with neurodivergence. People who won’t try to convince me to replace SSRIs with yoga and meditation. People who don’t say they are monogamous in their profiles, and when I point that out say “oh but you’re interesting so it doesn’t matter”

Fuck it does matter. If you’re monogamous, and you want to convince me it really doesn’t matter, you better fucking sell yourself really well because I am sure as fuck not going to get close to you if you aren’t 150% worth it.

The world is an utterly depressing right now, with trump and may and brexit and all the poor children…. It sometimes feel like all the people in power are EVIL and all of us who are good hearted are sinking deeper and deeper into depression, and the only way to function is to be apathetic and indifferent.

And in this world, I need to love, and I need to be loved. As me. As you. As our best selves. Not as cooks and cat lovers. But as we are. As broken, as spoon-drained, as diverse, as intersectional, as empathic as we are.

So stay away from the food and the cats folks. Seduce me with your intersectionalism and your diversity-awareness. Whisper the words of anti-capitalism in my ear and tell me how you are going to tear down the patriarchy. Turn me on with your left-wingness and draw me in with offers of cuddles and empathy.

Stay the fuck away from cooking and cats.

Fuck off back to the hellhole you came from you disrespectful bag of shit.

Today I feel like shit.

Today I feel like shit.

I read dating profiles, why someone chosed label X over label P, and I feel the hurt of their history.

Today I feel like shit.

2 hours of natter over cocktails, person G explaining away all the badmouthing of person E.

Today I feel like shit.

People treat people like shit, and I feel their hurt, their tears, their wounds, their scars.

Today I feel like shit.

The world is full of shitty people, who treat other people like shit, people who don’t deserve it, people who just want to live, to survive, to learn & to love.

Today I feel like shit.

The people I love, whom I can’t actively love because they’ve rejected me.

Today I feel like shit.

I live, I give, I love, I listen.  They stagnate, they take, they hate, they ignore.

Today I feel like shit.

Sometimes being me feels like shit.  Wanting to change the world for the better feels futile, feels worthless, well, feels like shit.

Today I feel like shit.

But that is okay.

Today I feel like shit.

But I live, I give, I love, I listen, and I grow.

Today I feel like shit.

But I can feel.  And I feel like shit out of love.

Out of love.

Today I feel like shit.

Because my capacity for love has grown.

And that is okay.

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But I still feel like shit.

Deal Breaker questions 1

I wish OkCupid had a category of questions with which I can automatically deselect people.  I mean.. who in their right mind who answers “yes” to a racial preference would chat me up and expect me to give them my time, right?

screenshot_20180605-133909__01__011868088645938401034.jpgI mean, it is very clearly preference for people of the same general ethnicity, background and classs.  And unless they are also queer, chinese-malaysian-born & bred, british educated, and reached maturity and adulthood in the london queer and kink scene, have ptsd from traumatic assault & done shitloads of counselling… then they aren’t of a similar background as I am.  Need I say more?!?!?!?!

I had a conversation with someone I’m sleeping with, someone who can be described as cis, white and male, about this question.  He says this isn’t a dealbreaker for him.  And I totally get that.  Unless he was in east or south Asia, Africa or Latin America… this isn’t a useful question for him because it isn’t self-eliminating where one’s ethnicity is the same as the majority population’s.  This person is a sweety and I absolutely adore him.  I mean, I gave him ‘dismantle the patriarchy’ and he raised me ‘bring down capitalism and all hierarchical societies’.  His political discourse is at a level I can only hope of achieving someday.

But back on topic :  for me it very easily is a dealbreaker BECAUSE I AM NOT WHITE.  There.. I’ve said it.  I am not white.  And despite assimilating very well into a predominantly white workplace and a predominantly white society, I am not white and no amount of daily mail readers going “oh but we don’t mean YOU” when talking about reducing immigration, no amount of “i see you as white” will erase my birthright, my identity, the colour of my skin by which I have been racially descriminated on since I was born, will change the passport by which I get ‘randomly selected’ for at airports, will give me back the thousands of pounds I have paid to UKBA for 10 years of visa applications & paperwork.

So why do people like that message me?  Hmm let me count the ways.

The “you look like fun, you look easy”

My answer: FUCK OFF

The alluded to but not explicitly stated “you are not white but you are light-skinned”

Again, my answer : FUCK OFF

The oft-presumed “you should be grateful and honoured that a racist like me wants to fuck you”

My answer… if I even need to repeat it : FUCK OFF BACK TO THE HELLHOLE YOU CAME FROM.

Am I being clear enough?

Dealbreaker questions are dealbreaker questions and if you are THAT idiot who excuses all their mistaken answers with “oh i answered it wrong”  Well, care enough to change it because I certainly care enough to block anyone who ever answers that question with a ‘yes’ from ever seeing my dating profile.

Again.

FUCK OFF.

Adventures on a Dating App 4

Screenshot_20180517-112232__02.jpg

To commentary or not to commentary….. Hmm… This one was a short while back, but unposted because it was a bit long winded.  But I’m bored and free today so what the heck.. I’ll put it up for laughs.

So with this one… it starts of with a pasted message, with the addition of a current-weather comment to make it seem less like a ctrl+v message.  Hmm.. -10 points for the ctrl+v message but +1 for some ingenuity at least. [-9]

I responded with my ctrl+v polite ‘thanks but not interested’ message.  He tries to keep the conversation going with a related question (why?) and an unrelated question (How was your day).  The first presumably actualy curiosity, but also rudness, and the later, possibly to try to distract me from continuing down the ‘thanks but no thanks’ route.

Since he asked ‘why’, and since I was in the mood.. I then pointed out to him the bits in his profile which don’t match with me.  I point out that (A) I am not what he is looking for.  He tells me not to take his writings seriously, adds a compliment, and again asks how was my day.  So -5 for a insincere profile (in his own words “don’t take it seriously”.  -2 for unnecessary uninvited compliment.  -1 for repeating a question – like I’m blind or something and couldn’t read it the first time.  [-8]

I respond by pointing more things in his profile which make us very definitely not a match.

His response blame it on other people.. or at least his perception of other people -2.  Again blaming an inaccurate and insincere profile (which presumably he wrote) -5. Trying to find something in common +1. Blaming his family -2. Trying to bring something to that conversation with the vegan and chicken and fish.. which I’m really unsure on the point of so I won’t score that. Claims to be into LGBT rights, is bi and dislike racists. +5 [-3]

I point out that insincere profiles do nothing for me and if he’s interested in me, then he should change them.  I also point to another piece of information from his profile – about flag burning.

His response… simply put… didn’t make a lot of sense and drifted towards aesthetics and physicality again. [-10]

By this point the overal negative points he was steadily getting made it clear that this was  NO…. but some more conversation went on.  I won’t bother to score the rest… but at -30… this was pretty bad….