Deal Breaker questions 1

I wish OkCupid had a category of questions with which I can automatically deselect people.  I mean.. who in their right mind who answers “yes” to a racial preference would chat me up and expect me to give them my time, right?

screenshot_20180605-133909__01__011868088645938401034.jpgI mean, it is very clearly preference for people of the same general ethnicity, background and classs.  And unless they are also queer, chinese-malaysian-born & bred, british educated, and reached maturity and adulthood in the london queer and kink scene, have ptsd from traumatic assault & done shitloads of counselling… then they aren’t of a similar background as I am.  Need I say more?!?!?!?!

I had a conversation with someone I’m sleeping with, someone who can be described as cis, white and male, about this question.  He says this isn’t a dealbreaker for him.  And I totally get that.  Unless he was in east or south Asia, Africa or Latin America… this isn’t a useful question for him because it isn’t self-eliminating where one’s ethnicity is the same as the majority population’s.  This person is a sweety and I absolutely adore him.  I mean, I gave him ‘dismantle the patriarchy’ and he raised me ‘bring down capitalism and all hierarchical societies’.  His political discourse is at a level I can only hope of achieving someday.

But back on topic :  for me it very easily is a dealbreaker BECAUSE I AM NOT WHITE.  There.. I’ve said it.  I am not white.  And despite assimilating very well into a predominantly white workplace and a predominantly white society, I am not white and no amount of daily mail readers going “oh but we don’t mean YOU” when talking about reducing immigration, no amount of “i see you as white” will erase my birthright, my identity, the colour of my skin by which I have been racially descriminated on since I was born, will change the passport by which I get ‘randomly selected’ for at airports, will give me back the thousands of pounds I have paid to UKBA for 10 years of visa applications & paperwork.

So why do people like that message me?  Hmm let me count the ways.

The “you look like fun, you look easy”

My answer: FUCK OFF

The alluded to but not explicitly stated “you are not white but you are light-skinned”

Again, my answer : FUCK OFF

The oft-presumed “you should be grateful and honoured that a racist like me wants to fuck you”

My answer… if I even need to repeat it : FUCK OFF BACK TO THE HELLHOLE YOU CAME FROM.

Am I being clear enough?

Dealbreaker questions are dealbreaker questions and if you are THAT idiot who excuses all their mistaken answers with “oh i answered it wrong”  Well, care enough to change it because I certainly care enough to block anyone who ever answers that question with a ‘yes’ from ever seeing my dating profile.




Adventures on a Dating App 3

And again, with commentary.

His opening salvo is based on this bit of my profile “I cook good vegan food (am east Asian so I know at least 10 different types of tofu and know how to incorporate it into all sorts of dishes!), and if you ar vegan I’m happy to be vegan when I’m with you, but I’m afraid I can’t give up meat or I risk malnutrition”.

This paragraph in my okcupid profile was put there because over half of the demographic of people I would like to date (intersectional human rights advocates/activists/supporters) are vegetarian/ vegan.  Unless they were also militant animal rights people… I sort of don’t want to turn them off because my pool is small enough as it is.

Anyway… opening salvo.  Comment 1.  I didn’t say I need meat, merely that I risk malnutrition, therefore jumping to conclusions [-2].  He goes on to query my medical state, which I point out in my reply – is rather intrusive for a first contact question [-6].

I try to reassure him, and placate him.

His next salvo labels my attempt at placating him as a trigger point and attempts to paint a story of me without any data.  Again, jumping to conclusions [-8].  Talks about me giving him my tofu powers.  Hmm.. that’s an assumption that I want to give him anything at this point.  He says “I don’t mind waiting”(for the mystical third date), which belies an assumption that we will even get to third date.  [-8]

I wanted to see where he would go next with his wildly jumping conclusions, so I placated him and gave me my true explanation, but without giving a huge amount of detail.  I also said I will not be changing my diet, and if that is not okay with him, then I am okay with that.

His next salvo talks about how great he has been on veganism and water fasting.  He also says “I think you’d survive without meat”.  This could have been a general ‘you’ as in ‘one’ or ‘the human species’.  But in this context, I took it to mean that he thinks I can survive without meat, and I pointed out to him that he’s getting dangerously close to my threshold for blocking people.  At this point this is a no on top of more nos, so this will add another -5 to his score.

I even tried to explain his lack of data scientifically.

Hmm another salvo. “I can tell it’s a trigger for you” [-12]  Well, I can tell you are a massive dickhead, but I will let you dig your hole a bit deeper before I block because I like using okcupid conversations to make amusing blogs.

Announcement for schizophrenia, bi-polar, and BPD, with indication that he is unmedicated, and no indication on whether he is under medical advice.  BIG red flag.  Instant [-20].  Cannot spell carcinogenic [-2].  Does not know the meaning of deal breaker [-5].  Attempts to claim that he hasn’t offered any scientific advice. [-2].  Next salvo until the point at which I blocked him [-50].

Total score -115.  This is quite an accomplishment.  “Highest” score since I started scoring!! (only started today rofl).

I’m pretty sure no one is going to read this.. But writing this amuses and de-stresses me, so yay! 😀

My bane – Facebook

I am intermittently deactivating and reactivating my facebook account.  I have just completely weaned off the anti depressants I was on for PTSD, and while I am mostly doing okay, I am finding the interactions on facebook fraught with aggression, defensiveness and just plain unfriendliness.  All things which I don’t need while I settle into a new equilibrium of neurological biochemistry.

I do bring it on myself I suppose.  I will call people out for being misogynistic, queerphobic or sex-worker phobic.  That is, on some level ‘asking for’ the backlash I get for doing that.  That last statement was victim blaming.  Which is wrong on so many levels.  Hhhmm.. let me rephrase that.  NO, by calling out misogyny, queer phobia and sex-worker phobia, I am not asking for anything.  I am putting information out there.  I am merely saying that that person’s statement, or share, or whatever, is perceived by me to be misogynist / queer phobic / sex worker phobic.  That is it.  They can chose whether to react to it or not.  Some people do react by saying thank you… but most of the time.. what do I get?  A ‘oh why can’t you just take a joke’.  Or a ‘but this and this and this not this this this’.

These sorts of reactions then require extra spoons to deal with.  Spoons I am currently expending by just…. living.  Yes, living require spoons.  Anxiety and depression require spoons to deal with.  Even at the level they are currently – which is very very very low.  EVERY interaction with the world which requires a response interaction requires spoons.  Work requires spoons and is where most of it goes to.  School, thankfully on break (which is why I’m weaning off now and not in autumn), requires spoons.

Maybe I should put a disclaimer on every comment I live in public.. something along the lines of

[Disclaimer: By leaving this comment, I am merely providing information about what I think of your last statement, you DO NOT have to react or to reply to it, it is merely INFORMATION which you are entirely welcome to read and discard]

There… what do you think?

Why are people not more accepting?  Why is the respond “thank you for informing me my last statement was misogynist.  I will think about why you might think that and maybe rethink my position” so rare it might as well be extinct?

To use an common analogy : When you give someone a gift, is the response ‘thank you, that is very kind’.. or ‘what is this, why did you get me this, what is it made of, what is the carbon footprint of this, where did you get it from, how much did it cost, did you buy me this because you think i need it’

When I comment online, I comment to inform or educate.  Sometimes to share congratulations or commiserations.  I do not ever comment to intentionally attack.  That just isn’t me.  To be attacked in response is… disheartening…. but I can deal with it.  But to be attacked when my mental health is bad and I end up spending 2 days curled up in bed crying… I think that warrants a break from the medium which gives me that grieve.

So… instagram.. my balcony garden.. my blog, my cooking.  And twitter.  Twitter keeps me better informed about world news than facebook ever could – and from people whose opinions I actually care for.  And because I am not an active poster, twitter for me is passive reading… keeping up with the news.  I know how toxic it can be.. but because i don’t have an audience and I keep in the shadows… for now..

So long then… see you twitter….

Twitter : @incoherent_qing

Instagram : @kirhymeswithpie

Food blog :