OkCupid questions

Do sapiosexuals fuck to discussions about particle physics and cum when I throw them a fourier transform to do?

Would my MSc have been easier if I had some sapiosexuals in my harem to do my homework for me?

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Adventures on a Dating App 4

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To commentary or not to commentary….. Hmm… This one was a short while back, but unposted because it was a bit long winded.  But I’m bored and free today so what the heck.. I’ll put it up for laughs.

So with this one… it starts of with a pasted message, with the addition of a current-weather comment to make it seem less like a ctrl+v message.  Hmm.. -10 points for the ctrl+v message but +1 for some ingenuity at least. [-9]

I responded with my ctrl+v polite ‘thanks but not interested’ message.  He tries to keep the conversation going with a related question (why?) and an unrelated question (How was your day).  The first presumably actualy curiosity, but also rudness, and the later, possibly to try to distract me from continuing down the ‘thanks but no thanks’ route.

Since he asked ‘why’, and since I was in the mood.. I then pointed out to him the bits in his profile which don’t match with me.  I point out that (A) I am not what he is looking for.  He tells me not to take his writings seriously, adds a compliment, and again asks how was my day.  So -5 for a insincere profile (in his own words “don’t take it seriously”.  -2 for unnecessary uninvited compliment.  -1 for repeating a question – like I’m blind or something and couldn’t read it the first time.  [-8]

I respond by pointing more things in his profile which make us very definitely not a match.

His response blame it on other people.. or at least his perception of other people -2.  Again blaming an inaccurate and insincere profile (which presumably he wrote) -5. Trying to find something in common +1. Blaming his family -2. Trying to bring something to that conversation with the vegan and chicken and fish.. which I’m really unsure on the point of so I won’t score that. Claims to be into LGBT rights, is bi and dislike racists. +5 [-3]

I point out that insincere profiles do nothing for me and if he’s interested in me, then he should change them.  I also point to another piece of information from his profile – about flag burning.

His response… simply put… didn’t make a lot of sense and drifted towards aesthetics and physicality again. [-10]

By this point the overal negative points he was steadily getting made it clear that this was  NO…. but some more conversation went on.  I won’t bother to score the rest… but at -30… this was pretty bad….

 

Adventures on a Dating App 3

And again, with commentary.

His opening salvo is based on this bit of my profile “I cook good vegan food (am east Asian so I know at least 10 different types of tofu and know how to incorporate it into all sorts of dishes!), and if you ar vegan I’m happy to be vegan when I’m with you, but I’m afraid I can’t give up meat or I risk malnutrition”.

This paragraph in my okcupid profile was put there because over half of the demographic of people I would like to date (intersectional human rights advocates/activists/supporters) are vegetarian/ vegan.  Unless they were also militant animal rights people… I sort of don’t want to turn them off because my pool is small enough as it is.

Anyway… opening salvo.  Comment 1.  I didn’t say I need meat, merely that I risk malnutrition, therefore jumping to conclusions [-2].  He goes on to query my medical state, which I point out in my reply – is rather intrusive for a first contact question [-6].

I try to reassure him, and placate him.

His next salvo labels my attempt at placating him as a trigger point and attempts to paint a story of me without any data.  Again, jumping to conclusions [-8].  Talks about me giving him my tofu powers.  Hmm.. that’s an assumption that I want to give him anything at this point.  He says “I don’t mind waiting”(for the mystical third date), which belies an assumption that we will even get to third date.  [-8]

I wanted to see where he would go next with his wildly jumping conclusions, so I placated him and gave me my true explanation, but without giving a huge amount of detail.  I also said I will not be changing my diet, and if that is not okay with him, then I am okay with that.

His next salvo talks about how great he has been on veganism and water fasting.  He also says “I think you’d survive without meat”.  This could have been a general ‘you’ as in ‘one’ or ‘the human species’.  But in this context, I took it to mean that he thinks I can survive without meat, and I pointed out to him that he’s getting dangerously close to my threshold for blocking people.  At this point this is a no on top of more nos, so this will add another -5 to his score.

I even tried to explain his lack of data scientifically.

Hmm another salvo. “I can tell it’s a trigger for you” [-12]  Well, I can tell you are a massive dickhead, but I will let you dig your hole a bit deeper before I block because I like using okcupid conversations to make amusing blogs.

Announcement for schizophrenia, bi-polar, and BPD, with indication that he is unmedicated, and no indication on whether he is under medical advice.  BIG red flag.  Instant [-20].  Cannot spell carcinogenic [-2].  Does not know the meaning of deal breaker [-5].  Attempts to claim that he hasn’t offered any scientific advice. [-2].  Next salvo until the point at which I blocked him [-50].

Total score -115.  This is quite an accomplishment.  “Highest” score since I started scoring!! (only started today rofl).

I’m pretty sure no one is going to read this.. But writing this amuses and de-stresses me, so yay! 😀

Cultural Appropriation is Too Mild

So.. Part 2..

Once I wrote that last piece, most people who initially questioned why I felt nauseatingly horrified knew enough to shut up.  Some more-aware friends thanked me for writing it.  But not everyone understood.  One person (no longer a friend) posted on my facebook “Fine line between clever & stupid in artistry at whatever level it’s put out there, one persons cultural appropriation is another’s cultural melting pot… Sometimes entertainment gets read too much into…”

Let me categorically say I don’t go around shouting cultural appropriation about everything.  I did not let out a single squeak when the the white american girl wearing a cheongsam to prom became an issue.  I don’t go into white-led buddhist centres in London and tell them they are appropriating my culture and religion.  I don’t bat an eyelid at lycra-clad, pale-skinned Yoga instructors.  I have taken aikido classes from Caucasians.  I applaud when London youth of all colours perform the lion dance or dragon dance during the Chinese New Year parades in London.  I don’t consider borrowing food, clothing, culture, or religion to be appropriation if it is done respectfully.  I would call it cultural sharing.

What is cultural appropriation?  To be honest I am not really sure.  As I said in my last post – I am no racial philosopher or writer.  My feeling is that appropriation is when it is less respectful.  Or when the person who isn’t from the native culture acts superior to the person from the culture.  Basically when the person-borrowing is an arsehole about it.  Hopefully that is a good explanation, but truly I have no clue.

That Eurovision preformance of “Toy” – that was not cultural appropriation.  I said it in the last post and I say it here again.  It makes fun of us.  It steps on those of us who conform, it pisses on those of us who don’t.

The insult that Toy was to me and anyone of similar background and demographic was one so cruel, so cold, so colonialist that to call it mere “cultural appropriation” would be a disservice to the discourse.  To put to me, on my facebook, that I am being oversensitive about a little bit of cultural appropriation shows how little my feelings mattered to that person.  These are my feelings, my hurt, and if stepping on me further truly reduces your guilt, you don’t deserve my friendship.

It wasn’t cultural appropriation.  It was yellowface.  Done to mock and amuse.  Done to insult.  No argument.  My blog, my facebook, my words.  If you want to argue, you can fuck off.

“Toy” was Yellowface and I am under no obligation to explain my horror.

This is not a think-piece.  I am no racial commentator and my fledgling attempts at gender & sexuality advocacy and activism can’t even be said to have taken flight yet.  I write emotion pieces, sometimes dating-app-chat commentary, but mostly this blog is just a place for me to dump my thoughts.

I do not watch Eurovision.  I did not grow up in Europe and didn’t hear about it until university, and when I learnt about it, all it was to me was oh.. just another reason for people to party and get drunk.  I do have one firm memory of Eurovision party I attended, which ended with me being hilariously drunk and spending the night on the host’s sofa.  But that was more about the friends than about Eurovision itself – and that was about 6 years ago.

So, the year is 2018.  My socio-political education is more London-based and LGBT-based than it was probably 10 years ago when I used to write socio-political commentary on Malaysian politics.

I digress.

The year is 2018.  I heard Israel won Eurovision.  I heard it may be problematic.  I searched for it and watched it on YouTube.

My heart sank in a pit of nauseating horror as I saw it.  It was yellowface.  And to add insult to the injury, it was yellowface with lucky cats, outrageous kimono-like outfit and clucking humans pretending to be chickens.

The singer claims the clucking represents the cowards of the men involved in #metoo.  The lyrics “i am not your toy” resonates in the chorus of the song.  There are proclamations that the song is about empowering women.

There is an experience common to east-asian-looking women who live outside of east asia.  We are seen as submissive.  Perfectly trained housewives.  Clean freaks (no shoes indoors!!), good cooks (albeit sometimes weird… pigs brain anyone?) and generally subservient and obedient.  This is the east asian version of the ‘black women are aggressive’ stereotype.

The experience of being assumed to fit the stereotype is undeniable to anyone who has experience it, and totally invisible and incomprehensible to anyone who hasn’t.  We (east-asian-women-not-living-in-east-asia) are all victims to this stereotype, and those of us who don’t fit into it will all have clashed with it at some point.  We see it in the workplace, we see it on the street.  We see it on the dating apps.  We see it in every “nihao” and “konichiwa” shouted at us on the street.  We are so used to it we live with it daily and it is just another factoid of living our lives.

So this performance, which inexplicably uses east asian visuals even though it has nothing to do with the song itself….. This performance plays on a stereotype deeper than most viewers will see.  “I am not your toy”….. This phrase plays deeper and truer to us non conforming east asian women than to the average white woman on the average london street.

If you are a white woman.. tell me… has anyone ever asked you to be their toy?  Has anyone ever stereotyped and expected you to be their toy?

Well, I am a yellow-skinned woman, and before I shaved my hair off and dyed it all shades of the rainbow – this was a common experience.  My waist-long straight black hair was treated as a commodity, my submissiveness and obedience assumed to exist.  Even now I get asked on dating apps which photo is more recent, usually with the hint that the ones of me with long hair is prettier and more desirable.

This song, which claims to empower women, does so at the expense of the stereotype of east asian women.  It makes fun of us.  It steps on those of us who conform, it pisses on those of us who don’t.  It is unlikely to rile the anger of people living in east asia, and that will be their defense, but to us, who live in a predominantly white world, where this stereotype is widespread and common, to us it is insulting, it is humiliating, it is embarassingly typical of a white-majority world with no clue of race relations, which haven’t learnt from the backlash of blackface, with no concept of colonialism and the sociopolitical manifestations of it in daily life.

The number of times I haven’t been seen as a full fledged equal human.  Where I am treated as a thing, a tool, a toy.

The Israel performance makes me sick to the stomach and I do not have the words to explain why.  I don’t have a socio-political education or writing background.  My chosen activism has been in gender and sexuality.. not race.  But today, this morning, with this feeling of  nausea deep in the pit of my stomach, I have to write this.  This is my view. This is my take.

I am not arguing this view, I am not justifying my emotions and opinions.  I am saying this song was personally horrifying and insulting.  This a personal feeling and opinion and I do not have to validate myself to anyone.

If you think otherwise, please kindly fuck off.

 

Adventures on a Dating App 2

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Dear peeps on dating apps..

When I question you about things on your profile which I find questionable… appealing to your own, or my, physicality isn’t going to work.

I didn’t bother to get a screenshot of the one I blocked this morning… but I was questioning his view that burning a country’s flag should be illegal, and he kept saying “you are the sexiest person on okcupid”.

And if “you are sexy” didn’t work.. “i am naked” very very definitely wouldn’t work either.

Please stop.
Thanks,

Me.

Adventures on a dating app 1

screenshot_20180503-234659.jpgDating sites are interesting places.  It is a way to meet people, all kinds of people, people I wouldn’t ever even give a second glance to on the street.  Over the months I’ve expanded, condensed, edited and rewritten my profile so it is now a comprehensive, information-filled, hopefully-non-wordy guide to self elimination (from my dating pool).

At the moment my self summary reads :


Relationship anarchist.  Broken and afraid to love.  Let’s be friends first.  Not a plaything or a Ms Right.  FwB or casual sex is okay, but not one night stands, and not too quick okay?  If you can’t chat consistently for at least a week before mentioning you’re horny.. Please swipe left.

Likes: Cats & Ducks. Science & tech. Intersectional human rights & LGBT activism. Empathy & self awareness. Multiculturalism. Food. Crochet. Leftist politics. Cooking & baking. Tattoos. Sloe gin. Cuddles. Musicals & theatre. Classical music & symphonic metal. Charity work & humanism. Sci-fi & fantasy.

Not interested in meeting couples, cheaters, racists, bigots, right-wingers, anti-vaccers or science denialists.

Random facts :

I was in Sierra Leone during the Ebola Crisis and came back slightly crazier.  Life is short!

I don’t own a TV!

BE creative, don’t ask me where I’m originally from because the answer is EARTH!!

Injury prone and not sporty, but long walks and camping are good.  Climbing too but it’s been a while.

I love babies but I’m not ever getting pregnant.  Do plan to foster or adopt older, troubled kids once I have a spare room and a more flexible job.

Not into horoscopes or Myers-Brigg.  Pseudoscience isn’t my cup of tea.

I cook good vegan food (am east Asian so I know at least 10 different types of tofu and know how to incorporate it into all sorts of dishes!), and if you are vegan I’m happy to be vegan when I’m with you, but I’m afraid I can’t give up meat or I risk malnutrition.

Spoiler alert: I like reading the questions and answers and I start with Ethics and move my way down to sex.. I think that gives an idea of what’s more important to me!

If your profile is empty, don’t expect me to answer questions about me until you’ve told me as much about you as my profile has told you about me.



Add to the above the other profile bits.  And then there are the 150 questions I have answered and commented on…

So… with that in mind… some people send beautifully crafted messages appealing to multiple facets of me, listing things they have in common, and often with something interesting about themselves that they think would interest me.

These people who send “Hi, how are you” messages.  I don’t really understand what they are expecting from me.  Does anyone really think they will attract a girl that way?  Maybe there are some girls out there who they might attract.  But what in my profile gives them the impression that a “Hi” would be enough to get my attention?

It is dependent on my mood, but sometimes I like being polite.  Not as a wind up, but just being nice ya know.  What happens when I’m being nice though… they expect more niceness.  Hey.. I could have save time by unmatching, but I took the effort to send a message back saying ‘sorry, not my type’.  and they start going ‘but you don’t know me’.  Well.. I know you that you haven’t taken any effort to read my profile.  I know that you haven’t taken any effort to write out a message which will really get my attention.  I know that you have an empty profile, and if you have indeed read mine, you will see that i have written “If your profile is empty, don’t expect me to answer questions about me until you’ve told me as much about you as my profile has told you about me.”   Which can only mean…. you haven’t read my profile.  IF you haven’t read my profile.. what makes you think I would even want to chat with you?  The mind boggles..  If you don’t care about what I HAVE put out there for YOU to read, I do not have confidence that you WILL care about me, the real me, the human me, the woman me.  ME me.

All I am to them is just meat isn’t it?  A vagina to fuck?  Well, this vagina has a highly intelligent brain attached to it (and don’t think that saying you are sapiosexual will flatter me, in my opinion, sapiosexuals tend to be jerks).  This vagina has a bleeding heart attached it.  A scientifically trained brain attached to it.  A pair of activist kidneys and an empathic liver attached to it.  I also have small and large intestines, which are excellent shit filters (shit eliminators to be more accurate).

You want my attention?  You gotta to appeal to all of it because I am all of those things.  If you do not appeal to my activism, my empathy, my passions and my brain?  If you can’t get past my shit filters, I’m sorry but you simply aren’t appealing to my vagina.  You can fuck off and go back to the hole you just crawled out of.