Yes I Judge

I judge you on how conditional your love and acceptance is for me
I judge you on how well you empathise with me
I judge you on how you make me feel

I judge you on how likely you are to question me
I judge you on how likely you are to criticise me
I judge you on how likely you are to listen when I speak

I judge you on how you misunderstand me
I judge you on how quickly you are to conclude something about me
I judge you on how quickly you compare me to others.

I judge you on how distressed I am likely to get when I speak to you
I judge you on the emotional labour you expect me to do
I judge you on the number of google searches I do for you

At the end of the day I judge you for one thing – the same thing I judge EVERYONE on.

Do I feel safe in your presence?

Do I feel understood when I am with you? Do I feel loved, accepted and reassured? Do I feel listened to, empathised with, and comforted? Do I feel safe?

Do I walk away in tears, thinking of pain? Do I wish for long fingernails, the better to dig into my upper arms? Do I think of cuts and blood and violence? Do I feel closer to the ledge?

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